Crazy Thought of the Month: Apple Enslavement

Tomorrow, you’re gonna be pissed as hell.

At 6 in the morning, the doorbell will ring obnoxiously until you furiously answer. Standing on your welcome mat will be a Caucasian male in a black suit with sunglasses. Unfortunately, it’s not Agent Smith, and you haven’t become The One for some sort of Matrix. Instead, this guy will be from Apple Incorporated.

“Good morning, sir”, He’ll monotonously state, “I am here to inform Mr. ___ that he has been selected for Apple Work Camp. He is to arrive- “

“What? I’m Mr. ___ and I have no idea what you’re talking about! Is this a fucking joke?? Dude, get the fuck outta here!” Pardon the language; it is six in the morning, after all.

“Sir, according to our documents, you did agree to the Terms and Conditions of downloading iTunes version 7.4.3, which clearly states in the 13th paragraph that the user is willing to renounce his or her rights as decreed by the ruling government. Am I not correct that you consented to the Terms and Conditions of iTunes version 7.4.3?”

You’ll stand there against your weakened joints and unable to mutter your flabbergast.

“Also”, the Apple Guy will continue, “here are the records indicating that, in the legal notes for iTunes version 8.0.1, you granted Steve Jobs permission to direct your well-being in accordance with any recommendations asserted from our board of trustees.”

Silence ensues as you gaze at the files presented from Apple Guy’s blackened briefcase.

“Finally, on section 28 of Terms and Conditions for the purchase and use of the iPhone 3GS, in which you are said to have purchased in late June of 2009, your signature at the bottom is proof to our agreement for you to perform laboring tasks at the most convenient time of Apple’s calling. So, Mr. ___, are there any objections for falsified information?”

A small breeze drifts through as your living room clock ticks a couple tocks.

All you can do is scream in stillness, amazed at your stupidity to overlook the fine print. Is this really happening? You kick and throw tantrums as two other security guards haul you into a sleek white van, intended to deport you to the bare permafrost of Siberia. (How else could iPods look so white?) No way! None of this should be happening! Especially to you! And then, BOOM! You wake up in your bed, shivering in fright. It’s only 6 in the morning, but you’re just glad that was a dream.

That is, until the doorbell rings.