Rants from a Guy to Girl

This year has been hectic, as my housing situation consists of four girls and four guys in one apartment floor. Amidst an atmosphere of sexual tension, (Just kidding. We all follow a strict “No Roommate-Loving” rule and it has been working very well) I’m learning a lot from these ladies. For example, women also like to play FIFA 10! All jokes aside, here are a few thoughts I’ve learned to share with my housemates.

Stop Reading “Cosmos”
Trust me on this one; articles on pleasing guys should not cover 10 pages.

Seriously, there are not 101 ways to seduce a man. We would not notice if you’re gently stroking your thigh in mid-conversation. That, in guy world, constitutes as an itch. Do you want us to think you have itchy legs? Just tell us if you’re interested in any sort of a relationship. Keep in mind that if a guy wants to date you, he will date you. Reading magazines on getting your dream boy-toy will only make things complicated and cause insecurity.

In fact, the entire issue can be simplified into one word: cheesecake. Bake your crush/boyfriend/husband/pool-boy a slice of cheesecake and he’ll be yours for quite a while. I’m not even kidding. Delectable desserts never fail in showing him your love and desire. Maybe you could even add a little whip cream…

Dirty Socks Can Be Worn Twice
It’s never about what you wear; it’s about how you wear it.

Yeah, as if you haven’t heard that about a thousand times…

Some of the most ridiculously good-looking girls I’ve ever met show up at parties in miniskirts and lacy tops. They look great with the red lips and blackened eyelashes, and all the drooling bros flock to them. But at the end, the ladies are the ones who look stunning with a sweatshirt and casually ruffled curls.

Guys could care less if girls take only a minute to get dressed with a gigantic frayed hoodie. Don’t spend hours deciding which dress best accentuates your bra! Really, it’s not worth the effort. The world won’t collapse if you wear the same green and blue socks from yesterday. It’s all good as long as they don’t smell.

Thoughts on Platonic Relationships
In all honesty, good friendships and opposite genders rarely go together.

About ninety percent of the girls I meet will never amount to lasting amity. I hate to admit it, but most guys are going to want something more from female friends. It may be a date, or just someone to share flirty words with, but we usually aren’t interested in just the childhood stories or boyfriend problems.

And in all honesty, I think that’s a dreadful situation.

Such attitudes create a false sense of compassion within both genders. (I’m sure some girls act like this too!) Afterwards, I would just feel guilty and guilt only brings stress.

Thus; I’m grateful I’ve found four housemates whom I can be friendly with and not wonder if they think I’m fishing for their digits. Platonic friendships are really something to be cherished. Otherwise, how else could we share laughter at Cosmopolitan sex advice columns?

Fake Friendships Are the Best

The other day I strutted by a very peculiar statement.

“Wow, you look like a homeless person!” said this girl as she nonchalantly commented on her girl-friend’s outfit.

Man, girls are absolutely brutal to each other! I was astounded to see the girl-friend just smile and mumble a response, appearing indifferent to any insults. If that were me, I would’ve replied with something along the lines of “Yeah, well, your mother doesn’t love you.” (Pardon my humor…) For all I know, that girl-friend could’ve been having the absolute worst day of her life, and this girl just completely shits on her!

“Yeah, well, you look pudgy!” That’s what I would’ve shouted back at her.

If this were between two guys on the lacrosse team (Maybe even just two guys), everyone would discard the conversation as mechanisms at work for manhood. Just simple witty blurps and nothing more. But am I right in thinking that? Perhaps I’m too dim-witted to realize that my teammates and childhood friends are just mocking my life? I don’t mean to sound insecure, but how exactly should I interpret “Jacky! Use your kung-fu to get us some dumplings!”?

“Yeah, well, at least I’m not a burger-inhaling fat American!” Yup, that’s as good as my comebacks get.

Instead, I laugh at the implications of stereotyping and racial discrimination. Hell, I even chuckled a little when my girl-friend (Whom I share the platonic relationship with) implied that I couldn’t incorporate Dick In A Box into my Halloween costume because of a “small” Asian complication.

“Wait, is that why we’re just friends???”

In the end, I’m glad I’m too dumb to understand the thin line between funny sarcasm and tasteless insolence. Overanalyzing dialogue would ruin any level of friendship with conflicts and undisclosed tension. What matters is whether or not you can get a smile (Or a manly chuckle) out of a relationship. I don’t know about you, but I think I’d make a pretty funny-looking homeless lad.

After all, who really cares about the camaraderie and complete selflessness of true friendships?

The Not-So-Important Life Lessons

Peanut Butter, Jelly, and Bananas – It’s either a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, or a peanut butter and banana sandwich. You just can’t have all three together. Also, whenever you can, toast the bread and use crunchy peanut butter.

Texting Etiquette – Anytime you get a one-word message, respond with another one-word message. See how long this can go for. The amusement will definitely get you through a three-hour course on contemporary women’s playwrights.

Drink and Do Drugs – There are only two reasons to be sober: During athletics, and when you have to discuss Chinese economic policies with your friend’s dad. There is nothing more awkward then explaining the exporting procedures of Shanghai after some Jamaican rum.

What Not to Say to a Girl – If you happen to meet an attractive girl, (or guy) never, EVER, tell them you’re not interested in more than a platonic relationship. We all know you’re not thinking about having a platonic relationship.

Learn to Procrastinate – Rush yourself on the important parts of life, because you’ll never know relaxation until you’ve experienced stress. Next time you have a term paper, start researching the night before it’s due!

Oh, and by the way…

Be Hypocritical – Life isn’t about sticking to a set of rules; it’s about changing old habits and adjusting to new environments. Maybe, for once, you’re gonna chug less alcohol. Maybe you just wanna get a head start on your French homework. Hell, perhaps I might even try a PB&J with sliced banana.

Crazy Thought of the Month: Apple Enslavement

Tomorrow, you’re gonna be pissed as hell.

At 6 in the morning, the doorbell will ring obnoxiously until you furiously answer. Standing on your welcome mat will be a Caucasian male in a black suit with sunglasses. Unfortunately, it’s not Agent Smith, and you haven’t become The One for some sort of Matrix. Instead, this guy will be from Apple Incorporated.

“Good morning, sir”, He’ll monotonously state, “I am here to inform Mr. ___ that he has been selected for Apple Work Camp. He is to arrive- “

“What? I’m Mr. ___ and I have no idea what you’re talking about! Is this a fucking joke?? Dude, get the fuck outta here!” Pardon the language; it is six in the morning, after all.

“Sir, according to our documents, you did agree to the Terms and Conditions of downloading iTunes version 7.4.3, which clearly states in the 13th paragraph that the user is willing to renounce his or her rights as decreed by the ruling government. Am I not correct that you consented to the Terms and Conditions of iTunes version 7.4.3?”

You’ll stand there against your weakened joints and unable to mutter your flabbergast.

“Also”, the Apple Guy will continue, “here are the records indicating that, in the legal notes for iTunes version 8.0.1, you granted Steve Jobs permission to direct your well-being in accordance with any recommendations asserted from our board of trustees.”

Silence ensues as you gaze at the files presented from Apple Guy’s blackened briefcase.

“Finally, on section 28 of Terms and Conditions for the purchase and use of the iPhone 3GS, in which you are said to have purchased in late June of 2009, your signature at the bottom is proof to our agreement for you to perform laboring tasks at the most convenient time of Apple’s calling. So, Mr. ___, are there any objections for falsified information?”

A small breeze drifts through as your living room clock ticks a couple tocks.

All you can do is scream in stillness, amazed at your stupidity to overlook the fine print. Is this really happening? You kick and throw tantrums as two other security guards haul you into a sleek white van, intended to deport you to the bare permafrost of Siberia. (How else could iPods look so white?) No way! None of this should be happening! Especially to you! And then, BOOM! You wake up in your bed, shivering in fright. It’s only 6 in the morning, but you’re just glad that was a dream.

That is, until the doorbell rings.

Creampuff Is Masculine

My cat’s name is Creampuff. Yes, my sister really did name our pet after a fluff of dough that imparts a scrumptious fill of cream with every bite. She brought him into the house four years ago, and all I felt was pity. How could she relate the poor male kitten (a.k.a. future predator for nearby birds and squirrels…) to a sweet something I might share with a girlfriend? That’s just incredibly unmanly. It’d be like naming your son Emily!

I know, I know. I’m just being prejudice and slightly sexist.

You know what, though; you’re right. Creampuff really showed me up on this one. If you lived with my cat, you’d see that Creampuff is a natural killer, especially when he chases our neighbor’s pet cat. He’ll spend hours waiting with the greatest intent in his eyes and the smallest token of movement. Once he sees another cat coming onto his territory, (My front yard) his hind legs pounce with a threatening strength and…well, I wouldn’t go near those claws of his. Yet, when Creampuff chases that cat towards a bigger, scarier cat, he’ll frighteningly scurry away to the safely of his blanket.

And you know what else? Creampuff may the best definition of masculinity out there.

The thing is, today, mainstream manliness is clogged with too many rappers singing to expensive cars and ridiculously good-looking women.

Okay…not that there’s anything wrong with that image…

Let me rephrase myself; the issue is that this public image has become the persona of the general community. There’s one too many guys too out there pretending to be Lil Wayne’s twin brother, or, trying to survive 9 bullets to the face. It’s particularly disturbing when I’m in quiet New Hampshire and see someone acting as if they’ve lived a hardened life on the streets of Marlborough.

All I’m saying is that masculinity is not always about being tough, but having the guts to understand one’s own strengths and weaknesses. Know when to pounce and when to scurry away, or else you’re just lying to yourself. C’mon, not everyone can be the next 50 Cent.

Then again, not every cat can be the next Creampuff, either.

Gay Rights Aren't Okay

Oh, boy, is this gonna upset some of you.

To all the crowds out there with those picket signs and griping protests, all the politicians lobbying to legalize gay marriage, and all the closet homosexuals worrying about how their parents will view their own children; you should be ashamed of yourselves. What you’re doing is just plain wrong.

“Homosexuals ask for the right to the pursuit of happiness!” Are you kidding me?

Since when have homosexuals become a different species?

Give up, already. Every time you demand for a signed document granting liberty to love your own gender, you’re suggesting that sexual orientation is not a part of universal human rights. Have faith that it’s always been a part of your freedoms, and is not a matter of a few government officials. Realize that, sometimes, ideals can be beyond mankind. Else, you’re just as bad as the conservatives out there who aspire for all individuals to live along the same rigid ideals.

The streets that you’ve congested with clever slogans and chants only mirror what your critics do. It makes me wonder, ‘Not everyone can be changed, so why you are so stubborn?’ You call for them to be open-minded and accepting, yet become infuriated with those who oppose the idea. Just let them believe in what makes them happy. After all, everyone grips onto different perspectives, because we are all only human.

As for every gay guy and lesbian who stresses over coming out; you’re only feeding the fear that social norms has placed on dissimilarities. Break that barrier, and tell your friends and family with all the courage you can muster. If others see that someone's willing to live with different choices in society, they might do the same. Move on from those who refuse to be accepting, because I’m sure you would want the Church to stop pestering you.

So, please, stop petitioning for the end of Proposition 8 and start promoting the idea that, in the end, we’re all gonna need to live alongside mixed beliefs. Learn to see things from different points of view, even if it’s disagreeable. Otherwise, you’re no better than the homophobe living next door.

Now, wouldn’t that upset you?

Forget About Your Deadlines

Screw it.

This piece that I spent countless hours composing; you’re never gonna read it. Don’t worry about what it was on, ‘cause I don’t want to think about it.

Yes, it was that awful of an experience.

It’s all because I told myself, “Okay, I’m gonna write a rant, and it’s gonna be finished and posted by tomorrow.” I quickly thought of a topic, and got right to work. The beginning was kinda enjoyable, but little did I know what I was getting myself into.

A couple sentences into the introduction, I began questioning myself on every little detail. Is this title sufficient? Which word fits better, ‘ridiculous’ or ‘ludicrous’? Is that idea even relevant? Soon, the indecisions began to pile up and the unpleasant clutter stuck to my mind. Convinced that I was just having a writer’s block, I left the kitchen, (That’s where I write. Don’t judge me…) hoping to get distracted by other activities. Yet, between mowing the lawn and lacrosse, all I could think of was how I needed to complete a fluent composition.

Anxious, I hurried back into the kitchen to correct the mistakes before I forgot about them. Unfortunately, it did me no good. Every change irritated me with more uncertainty, and the entire article was becoming incoherent. Gradually, I began to wonder if I could even relate to my rant.

“C’mon, Jacky! Get it done already!” I ignored my doubts and furiously went about backspacing and rewriting various paragraphs. Even after taking more breaks, this monotonous process continued.

By the time I was editing the document for the fifteenth time, I finally realized it; my only true complaint was that stupid deadline. Time shouldn't be necessary when I want to do something I like. Having a deadline ruined the joy I had for writing, and made it eerily similar to mandatory school meetings. Therefore, for now, I’ll forget about this rant, and not worry about when or if I’ll ever bring it up again.

So, next time you’re frantically struggling to finish a painting or an entire pizza pie, remember; it’s easier to find beauty in artwork created with passion and, well, cold pizza does taste better.

Let Your Kids Curse

It was back in second grade when I learned the f-word.

“Jeremy, c’mon, what’s the f-word? What is it???”

“Okay, okay, I’ll tell you. It’s f-u-c-k…”

I stood there, trying to sound it out, (I was still in ESL at the moment) and finally, I looked up at Jeremy and then at my classroom teacher.

“Fuuuck….”

My teacher looked at me, mortified that I, the little quiet Asian kid, had just uttered such a repulsive sound. She went on to punish me with detention during lunchtime, in which I sat at my desk and watched my friends (Friends? Thanks a lot, Jeremy…) have fun running around on the school’s black asphalt.

Looking back on it, adults are just way too strict when it comes to what comes out of a child’s mouth. The grown-ups that I grew up with always tended to scowl when I repeated what I heard from MTV and American Pie, and for a long time, I couldn’t fully comprehend why. It was just something I couldn’t do outside my group of friends.

Nowadays, it seems even worse, with Youtube videos of cursing babies popping up everywhere and movie ratings lowering their standards. (Didn’t know you can have penises in R-movies…ahem, Bruno…) I can only imagine the confusion among little kids today, as their elders tell them to do the exact opposite of what they see on the TV/computer. What happens is then these kids might go to college dropping every awful expression they can think of, or awkwardly mutter a foul word during a job interview.

But all this can be prevented! How? Just let them curse! If the cursing really bothers you, ignore them when they tell you stories involving the s-word or the a-word. Drop hints for their apparent rudeness but don’t lash out on them. Give them a small sense of responsibility for their actions, ‘cause that’s gonna come a long way when they enter the professional world.

Of course, I can only vouch for myself here. Since my parents don’t speak much English, I was left alone to my own devices. (Or words…) I went through a few phases here and there, like in third grade when I constantly mixed up “shoot” and “shit.” Eventually, as I met more people, shared more conversations, and got more detentions, I began to gain an understanding of the effects of what I say.

So don’t mind it too much, unless your child is saying “(Bleep) you, you (bleep) (bleep) (bleep) piece of (bleep) (bleeeep)” when you ask him to clean his room. Then, maybe, you probably shouldn’t take my writings so seriously.

Crazy Thought of the Month: Digital Wars

Instead of whirrs of overhead jets and cranks of creaking tanks, think soft purrs of CPU fans and subtle clicks of keyboards. In place of grenades and AK-47s are 500-terabyte hard drives and wireless keyboards. That will be the new battleground in the year…2274 (I’m not really sure…).

Don’t worry; I’m not suggesting that future wars will be fought with WoW characters or Youtube hate comments.

Just hear me out for a second. I mean, if you think about it, in a couple centuries from now, people’s lives will mostly be digitalized into individual accounts. Facebook/Twitter will be a major corporation and holder to everything, from our medical records to the clothes we buy. Money will no longer consist of bills but are wired electronically through our profiles. In order to gain access to jobs, schools, or anything, we’ll depend on those red notification flags or event requests. In essence, our existence is chained to high-security internet websites.

This new wave of globalization (or digitalization…) is going to change warfare. What is gonna happen is that state armies will consist of hackers, not gun technicians or jet pilots. That way, when China declares war on the US over recalled toys, the opposing geeks (no offense…?) are going to be working furiously to change and destroy each other’s profile information. In the process, they might go after innocent civilians to bring down inferior economies. Suddenly, you can’t go to work at the factory because these hackers deleted all your information for it. They might even erase your financial records, and now, you can’t even buy a cup of coffee. Wouldn’t that just really ruin your day?

Worst of all, you might even lose your Top Friends!

Who I Am Not

My name is Jacky Cheng. Not Jackie Chan, as every teacher, classmate, friend, and stranger marvelously mispronounces when they first meet me, halfway through the school year, and even at graduation. I live in Delaware, not the rural villages of China that my family’s roots come from. I play lacrosse, not the violin. My favorite class is European History, not Discreet Mathematics. My favorite dessert is cheesecake, not fortune cookies.

Did you know fortune cookies are a Western invention? I don’t think they exist in China…

You can say I’m just westernized, but I hate categorizing people into specific geographic and cultural areas. I mean, c’mon, this is not the 1800s. It’s not like I just sailed into California from Shanghai, chopped off my queue, and decided to settle into a life of McDonalds. Yes, I enjoy a good burger, but I’ll take an onigiri over those buns any day.

And yes, even if onigiris are from Japan.

Look, most of you will probably live to 80 years old or so, right? Add in all the hours you use sitting on a toilet (something like 3 years…) and you just don’t have time to create genres for people to fit into. So try this instead: Next time you’re out and about meeting new people, pick one attribute you’re least likely to associate with that person, and ask him or her about it. Chances are you’ll be surprised at how culturally diverse people are within themselves. For example, who would’ve thought my Irish-looking, Red Sox-loving, science teacher Mr. Nemitz could actually speak fluent Swahili?

Of course, you might not want to go up to an African-American and ask if he’s ever joined the KKK…

Why Stealing Is Right

In my first two years of high school, I stole everything from ties at Wal-Mart to an iPod from a classmate. However, in the years since, I’ve stopped stealing as the realization came that I could be arrested for a piece of gum. (Hell if I’m gonna get into such stupid shit…) Yet many of my friends and colleagues around me continued their thievery. Someone even stole $600 of lacrosse gear at a lacrosse tournament. I mean, what is wrong with America today? Is this really what it’s come down to? One of the richest countries in the world, and its citizens won’t even pay for a Hello Kitty pen? Most don’t even get punished!

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not condemning the act itself. I refuse to argue whether it’s ethical or not. (And trust me, I’ve tried. Ethics class totally confuses me.) But I do want to say that our policing/justice department is inadequate in dealing with the issue. Whatever prevention measures the government is taking today simply doesn’t cut it….does it? But then, it came to me: Whatever thievery acts we’re committing just simply aren’t enough

Perhaps we should really just keep stealing. In fact, start stealing more. Fact is I don’t think our administration really cares too much about larceny. Maybe if major corporations start losing trillions of dollars and the economy falls into a bigger shithole, the guys up top will start to sweat. You should even steal from those small, family-owned businesses. Start a riot like Sublime’s “April 29, 1992” song. Maybe with disorder, the government will be forced to bring order.

So all you CEOs, police chiefs, store owners: You want people to stop stealing, right? So get people to stop stealing! Don’t waste millions of taxpayers’ dollars to catch just a couple shoplifters. Install a better supervision system, impose harsher penalties, or run better ads showing how “un-cool” stealing can be. (That ad before you watch your DVDs just doesn’t cut it).Want us to stop downloading music for free? Hire better hackers, instead of backing screw-up organizations. Force us to think that stealing is wrong and will ruin our lives. Until then, be warned, more ties are gonna go missing.

How to Tell A Racist Joke

So a Chinese and a Jew walk into a bar. They order a couple beers together, but the Jew accidentally spilled his beer all over his t-shirt. "Oh crap!" cried the Jew, and he hung his shirt to dry.

"Why don't you just throw it away?" asked the Chinese man.

"Cause this cost me over a WHOLE dollar!" the Jew replied.

The Chinese man gets up to look at the tag on the t-shirt. "Hmm, that's funny," he said, "cause I only got 5 cents for making it."

Did I cross the line? Was the joke too rude or too racist (or too stupid...)? Perhaps you laughed at the joke, because you are neither Jewish nor Chinese. Either way, this joke's going to break someone's balls, and that's the problem with society nowadays. No one's ever completely comfortable laughing at racial prejudice. My response? Screw that, it's time to let loose. Spill out your funnies about what Hitler said to the Black Jew.

Gasp all you want, but this is the solution to racial tensions today. I mean, how else are you gonna be able to laugh, genuinely, with each other? Any other way of laughing is only out of courtesy, like when you smile at a stranger out of politeness.

Being able to crack up over those "horrendous" jokes proves you're willing to cross the line, kinda like the crazy guest that tries to be "in" with the host family. There's no way you can break the ice by being polite and holding back, cause eventually that'll come to bite you in the ass. That's like how the U.S. government accepted equal rights only after immense pressure from the Civil Rights Movement. and look where that's gotten us. Sure, you can say "but we have a Black president now!" yet my dad still doesn't trust the African Americans that walk into our restaurant. Please, someone drop the act and just make an inappropriate joke to break the ice!

So laugh at others, no matter how harsh, but there's a catch: be ready to laugh at others' jokes, even if it's directed at you. Let others tell you about the general faults of your ethnic background. about how your skin color reflects the sun, or about how you could never get a fat lip in a brawl. It is only when you can recognize your own imperfections, no matter how exaggerated, that you can truly appreciate yourself.

And while you're at it. have a drink with that Jew sitting next to ya.